Adam Bramburger
Editor
Family and Children’s Services of Frontenac, Lennox and Addington is looking for people willing to open their doors to provide a safe home for the youth it serves.
Last Wednesday, the children’s protective agency attracted 25 people to an open house and panel discussion at its Napanee office in hopes of securing some new foster parents.
Community relations manager John Suart says the need is urgent — particularly for homes welcoming teenagers, which account for 69 per cent of children in care — and the organization felt it had to campaign proactively.
“We need foster parents. We’re short. There’s no nice way to say it otherwise. It’s happening here and it’s happening all across Ontario,” he said. “It’s things like a number of foster parents are baby boomers and they’re retiring. It’s a difficult business and there’s a lot of burn out.”
A focus on preventative services has reduced the number of children in care from 400 around the time the former Lennox and Addington County agency was merged with Frontenac in 2012 to around 250 now, but foster parents still play an integral role in helping provide a stable environment.
According to Suart, recruiters decided that rather than rely on a concept of fostering and Children’s Aid Societies that might be outdated, the new campaign starting in Napanee offered an opportunity to interact with people who have lived the life. Joining recruiting staff members were three experienced foster moms and a 15-year-old girl who has been in seven foster homes already in her life.
Recruitment worker Lindsay O’Hara provided a brief overview of the how the system works. Once the agency is called and it appears something isn’t right in a home, they’ll first look to find supports to keep children safe in a home like family members to offer dinner or a break. Next, if a child isn’t safe in a home, they might look to having that child stay in a kinship home with a relative or close mentor such as a coach. Beyond that, fostering is an option.
“We try to prevent admission to care,” she said. “The reality is not every child is safe staying home with their family… When we cannot find kin, that’s when we look through our families who are waiting and approved to foster or adopt. We need to find a plan for kids based on their need.”
Those people wishing to be foster parents would make an initial contact with a referral centre. From there, they’d be referred for Pride training. That’s a two-month program usually held in Kingston to help prospective foster parents learn about the differences in parenting someone else’s child. Also, a home study process will begin where a social worker will come to a prospective foster home and get to know the people really well.
“The process is a bit intrusive on purpose because we need to know for sure these young people who have already endured a lot of hardships in their young lives are going to land somewhere safe with people who are going to provide them the nurturing they’re going to need to overcome some of the losses they’ve faced,” O’Hara said.
From there, a matching process occurs. Workers will take into account prospective parents’ requests for age and sex and they’ll also refer to the home study and make recommendations on the right fit.
“If it’s not a positive experience for you, it’s probably not a positive experience for the youth,” she said.
The approval process could take as long as six months and there’s no concrete timeline for placement of a youth in a home. Children already in care could have several visits in a home before placement. For children in crisis, a decision might come in a matter of minutes to get them into a safe place. Placements could be short term or long term and, often, there’s no way of predicting that. Foster parents should be prepared for the long haul, O’Hara said.
“We need people who can commit to kids.”
Panelists Cathy Radford, Tammy Marshall, and Sharon Beck have all made that commitment.
Radford started fostering when her daughter’s best friend turned 13 and she felt she needed a place to turn. At first, Radford wasn’t sure about the Pride training and bureaucratic approach, but she came around.
“It was a little unnerving. We knew how to parent, but we didn’t know how to parent other people’s kids,” she said. “We learned a lot. You’re going to be taking care of somebody else’s child and you can’t treat them exactly like your own because they don’t come with the things you’ve taught your own children.”
She said she found the process intrusive, but one she got through in order to have a great experience.
Marshall, who has been fostering for two-and-a-half years agreed.
“It can be a bit scary… but looking back, there’s a reason for that. The people at the office know us better than we know ourselves and they always know what we can handle before we even know what we can handle.”
Marshall said one of the things she’s always heard is tricky about fostering is finding a fit. With the three 17-year-old boys she’s taken into her Frontenac County home, the approach was simple: Be flexible.
“The kids come and we try to fit into their word,” she said, adding each child sees the world and the relationship differently. Ideally, Marshall indicated, foster parents should want to adjust their schedules to include drives to school, football practice, or part-time jobs and want to make things work out.
Sometimes, particularly early on, there will be challenges.
“You’re probably going to get hurt every day. Your feelings are going to get hurt, but you’re going to toughen up,” she said.
“You’re going to take it all personal for the first year. You need to make it through that,” Marshall said.
“This is the hardest thing you’re probably ever going to do, but I get more out of it than I ever thought I would,” she said. “This will be the best thing you ever did with your life. I can guarantee that… but there’s going to be hard times.”
Beck is a foster parent who has looked after more than 300 children in 30 years agrees there’s reward for the challenge. A former teacher, she started fostering babies and at one time had 11 children at her home. Fostering teens now, Beck said it’s really fulfilling to see her girls or her boys move to post-secondary school or to come back to visit her in their 20s.
The 15-year-old girl (who has not been identified due to privacy concerns) had some straightforward advice.
“You are their parent, even though they may have a relationship with their parents, you are going to have that role for them. Make consequences, if there are rules you have, that’s OK. Just don’t make it their fault. Have communication,” she said. “You’re going to be there for each other. Just treat them like your own and be there for them.”
Several questions ensued about the relationship between the foster parent, the youth, and the birth parents. O’Hara indicated the agency hopes that bond will be strong, particularly since reunification is a goal and “nobody becomes a parent with the intent of abusing or neglecting their children.”
Marshall said that’s a natural part of the job and something worth opening to.
“It’s not just that kid in your house. You need to understand, there’s probably 10 relationships they’ll bring. You’re going to end up caring for everybody your kid’s involved with. That takes a bit of practice.”
Radford said building that relationship can be important because birth parents can offer some background no one else can. She welcomes co-parenting, but says setting boundaries can be key.
Often, Beck said, the relationship isn’t that scary because many parents come to appreciate the foster parents and see it as a situation where united together they can help children grow. The 15 year old cautioned, however, that not every child wants to keep that bridge with their past and sometimes it’s just not practical or wanted for foster parents and birth parents to be connected.
Other questions revolved around how foster children fit in with other children and the community. The panelists agreed that really depends on the individual people involved.
Through it all, Marshall said she finds foster parents in the region are well supported to do their important job.
“You will definitely not be alone at all. The agency will help. You’ve heard it said it takes a village… there’s a lot of people to help. I don’t know if I’ve ever made a phone call and not heard back.”
She also added she was impressed prospective parents were given the opportunity to hear directly from veteran foster parents and the well-spoken young woman, adding that wasn’t in place when she started.
“This is good. It gives them a chance to make an informed decision — and having a teenage girl here gives them a real chance to see what it is all about.”
The recruitment drive will continue the agency’s first live stream recruitment discussion at 3 p.m. Nov. 4 at Family and Children’s Services’ Facebook page. Those that might be interested can call toll free at 855-445-3227 or e-mail info@facsfla.ca to talk to a recruitment worker.